Been a while

It has been a while and I would be lying if I were to say the voices had nothing to do with my absence. Unfortunately, my effort to extract them from my life had failed miserably as I found myself speaking to them in public. I even started speaking to them when I’m at work, but fortunately my co-workers see me as just screwing around, trying to be funny. I really cannot take this, writing here makes me feel better. Just as I type right now I’m getting a better vibe about things. Anyways, I figured I would put something in today.

The Interview

A couple days ago I had my job interview. When I entered the office, it was the most awkward thing in the world. When I sat down I realized that the voices were louder than ever before. I couldn’t get them to be quiet as each of them were giving me instructions on what to do and what to say. The day was misserable and I couldn’t handle the comments that some of them were making to the things that I was saying. When I got in my car to go home I just broke down and started to cry, there was so much going on I couldn’t ask them to stop until I got out to the car. When the silence finally set in I felt that the world had left me behind.

Can I Survive

Will I be able to survive the next three months unscathed? I don’t know. My compay is going through cutbacks trying to replace current employees with cheaper employees and they have forced me to re-interview for my own job. The real killer of all this is I was the first one in this position and made it what it was. Now they are trying to replace me with someone that couldn’t possibly have the experience that I have.

There are times when I feel worthless to people, even my parents make me feel this way, only my wife gives me encouragement to move beyond my boundaries. I really don’t know what I need to do to overcome these things in my life and I just want to cry when I realize that I am going to lose my job.

Weaknesses

If you watch the people around you closely you will find that we are much like the people you find depicted in fiction. In books, TV, and Movies it is known that every bad guy must have a weakness of some kind that invariably results in his defeat or demise. Our dear Dr. Evil’s weakness is his need for the dramatic, to destroy his nemesis in just the right manner. We also realize that not only the bad, but the good must have a weakness of some kind, all heroes must have their form of kryptonite. What some might not realize is that one does not need to be hero or villan to have a weakness, everyone has something that makes them feel weak, something out of their control they feel holds them from achievement. I worry because, I feel that this is my weakness, that I no longer will be able to overcome this, no matter what the circumstance when I am approached by the kryptonite their is no way to overcome it rather than to keep my distance. In superman’s entire life his was never able to overcome this weakness of his, he just had to learn how to deal with this fact of his life. This meant coping with the his fate that one day his kryptonite will overcome him and there will be nothing that he could do about it.

What I am trying to say here is there is no pill for whatever weakness you have, we all must learn to cope and adapt to the changes in our lives that we just cannot overcome. I know what you are saying people who are paralized overcome their paralysis and live a normal life. This is just an explanation of semantics, they did not overcome, but supplemented their disability with a new ability. They simply turned their sails, taking them a different route with different wind and currents that with some luck they could possibly be taken to their intended destination, but maybe just maybe if the winds are right and you follow the current you may just end up somewhere that you had no clue that you would have ever ended up.

Locked In

At work today I was sitting at a desk doing someone else’s job because they were out that day. As I was sitting there inputing a large amount of data into our system at work I had one of them over my shoulder that kept telling me that I needed to stand. He just kept saying “stand up, just stand up.” I tried to ignore him but in order to shut him up I just stood up. I don’t know why I did that either.

Hearing voices

Today I kind of revealed to one of my bosses that I heard voices, he reacted terribly, then I pawned it off as a joke. I know I don’t hear them like the normal disease, but still he didn’t like what I said

Wishing I would become something

I write software. I don’t think anyone knows this online. I can basically make any type of program that anyone needs. This comes in handy at my current job since I often have to bail out our department with solutions. What I run into is the concept of my software running into the input of “them.” They are one of the reasons I am so successful in my code, the reason I can actually contribute. I don’t understand why I contribute though if I feel that I have accomplished nothing. They do it all.

Losing Coordination

So general anxiety disorder runs in my family, although I have never been diagnosed my brother has and he has received medication for it on several occasions. I have had problems with my anxiety on and off and it doesn’t really effect my through process which is what is vital to my day to day operations at work and when I was in Graduate School. However, from time to time I have these senseless attacks, like for the past two weeks I have been losing it while at work and it has been affecting my motor control. I fell down the stairs at work four times in the past two weeks and I can’t type as accurately as I normally do. I’m a software developer and I end up with obsessive fits that end up with me hitting keys at random when I type and cannot stop until I lift my hand. Just five days ago my arms kept opening at my elbow while I was trying to think up a solution to a project I was working on. What’s worse is ‘they’ will often interrupt me while I’m tyring to concentrate on calming down and it doesn’t help that people don’t see ‘them’ other people think that I am just talking to myself. Today one of ‘them’ like always came out of nowhere and said “xxxxxx just think it through and don’t let it get you.” I think the source of my anxiety stems from the instability of my job right now. I don’t think I mentioned that my current job isn’t permanent and I may lose it this summer, but I don’t want to get in depth on it. One of ‘them’ right now is saying “xxxxxx maybe you should go to bed.”

Them

I was at work today and like always I encounter discussions by our secretary’s that drive me crazy. The subject doesn’t matter for this discussion the point is something that has been happening to me since I can remember dealing with conflict in discussion. Just as my brain thinks of a retort to their argument I see something out of the corner of my eye. It’s not a spot on my glasses nor is it someone in the room moving around. This thing that I see is someone I have been seeing for quite some time. Her name is Eli, she moves forward just into my peripheral vision, puts her hand on my shoulder and whispers into my ear.

“…don’t say it, please take a breath” she gently squeezes my shoulder and in a calm soothing tone she speaks again.

“They will not accept your input, no matter what you say..please let it go.”

Normally I don’t always look at her, but this time I felt compelled to be calmed by her always pleasing green eyes. I turned, gave her a brief look and casually returned to my desk. When I completed the about face Eli had already sunk from my vision and I was with only my coleagues.

Something you may be missing here is that only I see Eli. It has been like this for nearly 15 years now and she is not the only one, there are several others (7 to be exact) and their appearances are not specific to circustance. Often they enter at random it seems, but there may be a method to that.

I don’t know the cause of this at all. I have never been to a shrink or doctor of any kind regarding this. Worst of all, this is the first time that anyone has been told of this. They never tell me what to do rather they redefine, reinforce, and simply talk to me. They never give orders or request actions. Sometimes they will ask me questions and other times they will make statements that you only hear in motivational books.

I have to give them all credit, I feel they are the reason that I am able to maintain relationships with the outside world and their have been circumstances in which I feel they have saved my life. But, sometimes I just want them to go away and I ask them to vacate the premesis and they respect my request. I don’t feel I could live without the assistance of Eli and the others, I feel they keep me sane no matter how insane I sound.

To wrap up I will be continuing this blog to talk things that are most likely abnormal to the people who read this.